In my early twenties, I thought it was necessary to avoid stress at all costs - I did everything in my power to minimise it.

Little did I know - I had built my entire life around it:

• Martial arts and fighting

• Fitness pursuits

• Travel

• A commission-based career

This doesn't even include the stressors that life naturally throws at you:

• Hormones, insecurity, identity issues

• Growing up and becoming an individual

• Failed relationships and friendships

• Family divorce and a ruptured family dynamic

• Money

In hindsight, stress and my actions to overcome stress have made me who I am today.

Whether you know it or not, stress too has made YOU who YOU are today - be it avoiding stress, or leaning into it.

There are 2 types of stress

External stress

Put simply, these are stressors that are out of your control - stress that is thrust on you by 'life' and outside circumstances i.e. deaths, taxes, car trouble, the bus being late etc.

Internal stress

This is stress you place upon yourself. Tackling a fitness goal, your career path, study, a home renovation etc.

We are going to focus on 'internal stress' - this is where the value lies

Internal Stress

Notice above, the main difference between internal and external stressors is that internal stressors are essentially goals.

Internal stress is, for the most part, self-administered and hormetic - it should aid personal growth.

Though, too much internal stress will ALWAYS be detrimental. Thrusting too much internal stress upon yourself, or selecting the wrong internal stressors, will result in negatives and hinder personal growth. This can be a hard balance to find.

This means that choosing the right time to take on additional internal stressors is key to personal growth. Factors such as the below must be considered:

• Other active internal stressors

• Other active external stressors

• Your health

• Your mindset

• Your habits

• Your sleep pattern

• Your nutrition

• Your relationships and your friendships

Personal Growth and Stress

Selecting effective internal stressors and correct timing is key to self-growth. Selecting internal stressors that are marginally outside of your comfort zone will help you become the person you want to be and will aid you in living the life you want to live.

The flip side of this - well that shit is self-explanatory.

This goes back to what I said in the introduction - The way you avoid, or lean into stress has moduled YOU into who YOU are right now.

Are you happy with who you are?

Are you living the life you want to live?

Not leaning into stress will lead you to the worst version of yourself. That's not even the sad part - the sad part is this happens without you even noticing.

Before I give you my 5-step formula for selecting the correct internal stressor, I want to share with you a common objection I hear to this outlook...

'Living in the moment'

Personally - I'm guilty of this. However, using internal stressors aid me in returning to the present moment.

Many people don't take on internal stressors because they fear it will take them out of living life 'in the moment'.

"I'm going the become who I become and I trust that __________________ (fill in the blank) has a plan for me".

I get that argument, I do. But you know what else is true - my most satisfying moments in life, those when I am truly present, have all come out of working through internal stressors.

2 examples straight from the top of my head:

1. Relationship troubles - they brought me and my partner closer together.

2. Running 100km - Along the way, I forged a closer relationship with my 'inner savage'

The 5-steps to selecting the correct internal stressors

1) Knowing exactly who you are now

Selecting the correct internal stressors should always move you closer to the person you want to be. This means you must know exactly who you are now.

How can you do this - write it down. This will take introspection and objectivity (psst. be prepared to be a little disappointed, but keep in mind this disappointment can be used as a map).

To gather more information here you should ask those around you and compare yourself to people at a similar stage of life.

2) Who do you want to be?

Compare yourself against the people who you look up to...

• Why do you want to be like these people?

• What traits do they have that you don't?

• What behaviours do they do that you don't?

• How do they act?

Again, if you're having trouble here - ask others.

3) What are the gaps between step 1 and step 2

Clearly define the gaps between these steps.

A good framework to use for this step is:

• What - are the gaps?

• Why - do you want to close these gaps?

• Who - will you become if you close these gaps?

4) Is the internal stressor your considering going to close these gaps?

Ask yourself - will this stress in front of you close the gaps you identified in step 3?

If the answer is no - find a different internal stressor to pursue and return to step 1.

If the answer is yes - move to step 5.

5) Break this stress down into smaller steps and lean in

There is a reason that these are called stressors - they are difficult. Break the big stressor down into smaller, achievable stressors.

This step is in essence goal setting.

Here you can use the 'SMART' goal-setting framework:

• Specific

• Measurable

• Achievable

• Realistic

• Timed

Leaning into internal stress, with awareness, makes external stress simple

I have been leaning into internal stressors (all be it not always with awareness) for the majority of my twenties. Though it was not until I brought awareness to this process that I started to become less stressed as a whole.

Before awareness, I was riddled with anxiety, had terrible sleep hygiene and was on the verge of burnout for 52 weeks of the year.

Since developing the above framework and bringing awareness to my selected internal stressors:

• I have a handle on my anxiety

• I sleep like fucking baby and have consistent sleep and wake times

• And I am physically in the best shape of my life - with the blood work to prove it

Selecting hormetic internal stressors, at the right time, with the right meaning makes external stress seem simple.

Selecting the correct internal stressors will help you become the person you want to be and will aid you in living the life you want to live.

Stop avoiding stress - chose wisely and lean in.

Tom xoxo